What is Surrogate Partner Therapy (SPT)?
Surrogate Partner Therapy (SPT) is an intensive treatment option where a client, surrogate partner, and talk therapist work as a team to help the client develop their capacity for intimacy and relationships.
For more information on SPT, visit the Embrace Professional Resource Group.
Please note: As of January 2024, I am not ctaking new clients for SPT. I am happy to have initial calls, make referrals, or put you on a waitlist.
The core of SPT is experiential learning to help you cultivate the connections you want in your life.
SPT offers a more holistic approach to develop skills and experiences in contexts not possible with talk therapy alone. A client and a licensed talk therapist will often work together for a time and then invite a surrogate partner into the team to support the client’s continued learning and growth. SPT begins with a meeting of the triadic team: client, therapist, and surrogate. The therapist and surrogate then each meet regularly with the client, and consult between sessions on how to best support them.
Surrogate partners help clients build strong foundations for future relationships. Surrogate partners are trained to serve as intimacy educators and models for healthy connection. This time-bounded, therapeutic relationship supports the client in exploring their needs and desires and cultivating an honest, joyful, and mindful approach to intimacy. SPT utilizes proven talk- based and touch-based exercises that are widely used in couples therapy.
Surrogate partners help uncover critical insights and help put them into practice. SPT provides a safe and structured space to directly engage with the emotions and challenges that show up in relationships. Clients can learn and practice essential relationship skills in a supportive, controlled environment. By doing this work, clients may uncover insights about their strengths, barriers, and progress not possible in the therapy room alone.
The Surrogate Partner’s Role
The Surrogate Partner works with the client over a period of time to learn and practice hands-on skills for partnership and intimacy—serving as a temporary, therapeutic, surrogate partner. (For this reason, older terms like “sexual surrogate” give an incomplete and misleading description of the surrogate partner’s role.)
SPT is an opportunity to learn and practice a range of social, emotional, and practical skills for intimacy with a real person who is trauma-informed, patient, grounded, nonjudgmental, and dedicated to your growth and well-being.
The Triadic Model
The Surrogate Partner works with the client over a period of time to learn and practice hands-on skills for partnership and intimacy—serving as a temporary, therapeutic, surrogate partner. (For this reason, older terms like “sexual surrogate” can give an incomplete and misleading description of the surrogate partner’s role.)
SPT is an opportunity to learn and practice a range of social, emotional, and practical skills for intimacy with a real person who is trauma-informed, patient, grounded, nonjudgmental, and dedicated to your growth and well-being.
Surrogate Partner Therapy Process
SPT is a structured learning and healing process with a trained surrogate, in collaboration with the client’s therapist. The process is based on each client’s needs and proceeds step by step, at the pace that is best for them. SPT involves regular, 90-120 minute sessions, often once or twice per week. If the client or surrogate must travel for sessions, we may use an intensive format of several daily sessions over several days. While each case is different, SPT may include four phases:
Mindful touch and communication
Tune into feelings, sensations, desires, and boundaries. Practice relaxing, reflecting, and giving and receiving consent and soothing touch.
Body, sensuality, and sex education
Practice varied forms of non-sexual touch, explore body image and comfort with nudity, and answer questions about bodies and sexuality.
Understanding erotic energy
When appropriate to the client’s needs, this is is a space to cultivate a mindful, non-goal-oriented, intimacy-focused approach to eroticism.
Reflection, closure, and moving forward
Celebrate your journey and what you’ve learned in this powerful process. Prepare to bring new skills and resilience to your relationships.
Closure is discussed from the start and honored at the end of the SPT process. After closure, the client works with their therapist to reflect on what they’ve learned, process any natural feelings of separation, and integrate new knowledge and skills as they go forward in life.
Why SPT—and who can benefit from it?
All sorts of people in many different sorts of situations. SPT is often most helpful for those who have specific challenges or goals around intimacy, connection, touch, and sexuality can’t be fully resolved through talk therapy (and, where relevant, medical treatment).
Talk therapy—which may include sex and relationship therapy, trauma therapy, somatic psychotherapy, and gender-affirming therapy—can provide great benefits for clients on its own. Therapy can (among other things) help clients understand their experiences, needs and goals; address shame, trauma, anxiety, depression, and gender dysphoria; uncover and shift internal narratives; develop mindfulness, coping, and communication skills. Some concerns can also benefit from medical treatment, such as sexual function concerns with a physiological origin, some kinds of depression and anxiety, and gender dysphoria.
Sometimes, we need hands-on practice to learn and grow in the ways we need. SPT is one way to do that. People who may benefit from SPT can include:
If you have limited sexual or relationship experience and want to build confidence, comfort, and communication skills.
If you are exploring or emerging in your sexuality or your gender and want support in bringing your true self into connections with others.
If you are adapting to major changes in your life—such as a divorce, coming out, or gender transition.
If you’re adjusting to major changes in your body—such as a major surgery, an injury, or a disability.
If you’re healing and integrating trauma or difficult experiences and need support in exploring connection and touch at your own pace.
If you are need additional support in understanding and affirming diverse sexual interests (such as kink/BDSM).
If you have concerns relate to body awareness, sexual pleasure, or function that can’t be resolved through talk therapy or medical treatment.
I work with adults of all genders, ages, body types, backgrounds, spiritualities, and relationship styles, and anywhere on the spectrums of sexuality and asexuality. I’m especially interested in working with transgender, queer, and intersex people and their partners. As a white and able-bodied person I strive to embody anti-racism, disability justice, and cultural humility in my life and work.
I work with individuals and couples. Surrogate partner therapy is typically appropriate for those who are not currently in a relationship, though there are exceptions. I am open to providing intimacy and embodiment coaching, and in exceptional cases surrogate partner therapy, for one or more persons currently in a relationship, with informed consent of all partners.
What is SPT not for—and what other supports are out there?
While SPT can be a powerful therapeutic modality in the right cases, it might not be the right support for you if:
You’re looking primarily for a specific experience of touch or closeness, rather than a therapeutic and learning process.
You’re currently in an intimate relationship or looking for support as a couple.
You’re not ready for hands-on practice with another person right now, for any reason.
You’re not ready to work with a licensed talk therapist as part of SPT.
There are a wide range of other supports out there that might be right for you, such as the following:
Finding, or continuing to work with, a licensed talk therapist who gets you and is knowledgeable about the issues most important to you. Below you’ll find suggestions for finding a therapist, or talking to your therapist about SPT.
Somatic, sex, or intimacy coaching can also provide also provide talked-based and/or hands-on support for learning and skill-building, but with different boundaries and a narrower focus on the client’s experience of their own sensations, wants, needs, and limits. Learn more about my approach to Intimacy and Embodiment Coaching.
Somatic sex education and sexological bodywork are other modalities that share some goals and approaches with SPT, but that involve only one-way touch and do not require working with a talk therapist.
There are a wide range of different types of online and in -person workshops, classes, and conferences out there where individuals or couples can learn and practice somatic and intimacy skills in a group setting. To name just a few, check out the School of Consent, BodySex, Body Electric, and Velvet Lips Sex Ed.
If you’re mainly looking to experience comforting, strictly platonic touch, I offer Platonic Cuddle Therapy and also encourage you to check out Cuddlist and Cuddle Party.
If you’re mainly looking for a sexual experience, seeing an escort or other type of sex worker may be right for you. Please consult your local laws and listings—and consider donating to sex worker support organizations near you via networks like SWOP-USA or HIPS.
How long does SPT take? How is it scheduled?
While everyone’s needs are different, SPT typically requires several months of regular sessions, and sometimes takes one year or longer. How long SPT takes may depend on your needs and goals, and the frequency of sessions, as well as the work you’ve done previously in talk therapy or with other therapeutic or healing supports.
SPT sessions are typically 60-90 minutes and scheduled weekly or bi-weekly, alternating with talk therapy sessions. In some cases, SPT may be provided in an intensive format: the client will travel to me, or I’ll travel to them, for several sessions in a short time. The intensive approach may be more challenging for some clients than a regular schedule, but can be considered if you’re not able to work with a surrogate partner near you.
What are your rates for SPT?
My current base rate for SPT sessions is $250/hour. There is no additional charge for my consultation time with your therapist.
I also offer sliding scale fees based on the Green Bottle Sliding Scale tool.
I have a therapist—where do I start?
Great! I recommend spending several sessions or more with a qualified talk therapist before initiating SPT. This will enable you to build a strong rapport with your therapist, better understand your current needs and goals, and begin to make progress toward them through talk therapy sessions and experiential “homework.” If your talk therapist is open to SPT as an option for you but needs to learn more, you can refer them to places on my Resources for Therapists page—or simply feel free to connect them to me.
If you and your talk therapist agree that SPT may be right for you and that you are ready to take this step, you can contact me to get started. Please make sure you’ve read this entire page first!
I don’t have a therapist—where do I start?
There are many directories online that can help you find a therapist who’s right for you. Psychology Today, TherapyDen, and Inclusive Therapists are just a few. Use their search tools to filter by location and other factors that matter to you, then read their profiles to see if they’re accepting new patients and if they look like they might be a good fit. If you have any kind of health insurance, also check with your insurance providers about their mental health coverage and their list of in-network providers.
Depending on your needs, you may find it helpful to search for therapists who specialize in areas such as: sex therapy, relationship therapy, somatic therapies, gender-affirming therapy, or holistic therapies. Make sure they're a license talk therapist (such as a licensed psychologist, professional counselor, or clinical social worker).
If this is your first time seeking talk therapy for relationship, sex, or related issues, you may wish to spend some time working with them and building a rapport before discussing whether SPT might be right for you. In any case, many therapists are still unfamiliar with SPT, so you can also point them to my Resources for Therapists page, or to me.
