In the Lab with Somatic Awareness,
Consent, and Connection
SPT and Intimacy & Embodiment Coaching employ different frameworks and boundaries. Common to both is offering a kind of laboratory where you can experiment with different elements of pleasure, connection, and closeness—separating out the pieces, seeing how they fit together, and trying one small experiment at a time. It can help to have a patient and experienced lab partner!
Through practice, we can learn about our wants and needs, how to make agreements and set limits—opening up possibilities for joyful connection. Sessions are tailored to meet clients needs, at their pace.
Below are just some examples of ways I can help clients explore.
At the core of connection and pleasure are noticing the sensations and feelings in your own body, and communicating and making agreements with others. We can learn a lot by slowing down and noticing what’s going on in our own bodies, and how we talk about and agree on what we’re like to do with others.
Exploring conscious breathing. Using a variety of techniques to explore paying attention to the breath and using conscious breathing for mindfulness, relaxation, or arousal.
Exploring movement. How does it feel to move, stretch, dance in the company of another person?
Exploring touch with everyday objects. Exploring the feel of an object, with no opinions of its own, can help us focus on what we want rather than what we think anyone else wants. What does it feel like to really touch for your own enjoyment?
Space, proximity, and the Go-Stop Game. How does it feel to ask someone to move closer? To notice when you want them to stop—and trust them to?
Gazing and being seen. What would it feel like to have permission to simply gaze at another? To be asked for permission to gaze, and see if you’re a yes/no/maybe?
Body image and the Mirror Meditation exercise. What stories do we tell ourselves when we look at, talk about, or undress our bodies? What stories could we tell? Often I invite clients to take turns sharing our “body stories” in front of a mirror, clothed or undressed to your comfort.
The “Yes/No” Game and variations. How do you feel about the word “No”? The word “Yes”? What happens if we try saying and hearing these words, when they’re not “about” anything?
The “I Want” Game and variations. Here we simply practice sharing “I want” statements. Can we separate wanting from asking or expecting?
The “May I?”/“Will you?” Game and variations. Here we practice making and hearing requests—at first, without responding to them. How does asking feel when we separate it from agreeing or doing?
Negotiation roleplays. Would you like some no-stakes, conversational practice at flirting, asking or being asked for dates, or negotiation touch or affection on a date?
Embodiment & Communication
Touch is integral to closeness for most of us. In the “touch lab,” I help clients explore, experiment, and practice touching with no goal other than to enjoy the moment and respect their own limits’ and others’. By clearly delineating what touch is going to happen, for how long, and for whose benefit, we can notice the different components that go into sharing joyful touch—and then start to put them together.
The “May I?”/“Will you?” Game and variations. Here we practice exchanging very simple requests, agreeing on them or not, and acting accordingly. “May I hold your hand?” “Will you touch my nose?”
The Hand Caress and variations. Here we practice focusing our own sensations. What’s it like when we touch the way we want to touch—or when we choose to let someone explore? Focusing on one part of the body (like a hand, foot, face, or back), we can practice noticing what we want and like, as well as our limits.
The Three-Minute Game. What would you like me to do for you for three minutes? How would you like to touch me for three minutes? One minute? Five or more? Here we practice making agreements and exploring touch without goals.
Movement exercises—the Hand Dance game and variations. Using exercises like the “Hand Dance,” we can explore what it feels like to lead, follow, or mutually play and explore.
Holding hands, hugs, spooning, and snuggling. How do we like to touch and share affection with others? What positions do you like? How do you negotiate for them—and what comes up when you get when you asked for? This is an open space to notice and experiment.
Exploring sensation play. There are many, many ways to experience touch and connection, from the soothing to the sensuous. Are there sensations you’re curious to explore?
Experimenting with touch
Learning in between sessions
Cultivating joyful connection and touch is a continual process of learning. Learning doesn’t just happen in the lab—it happens in everyday life. To help this learning “stick,” I ask all my clients to commit to continuing that practice with small but powerful “homework” practices in between sessions, tailored to you.
Homework can include continuing some of the practices mentioned above on your own—like exploring touch with objects, breathing and relaxation exercises, or the mirror meditation. Here are some other examples:
Slowing down with self-touch. Spend three, five, or more minutes slowly exploring touch with your own body, without any goal or agenda. What comes up? What do you like? Does it change as you practice?
Noticing little pleasures in everyday life. Find a few things this week to really stop and devote your whole attention to enjoying with your senses. It could be a nice shirt, blanket, kitchen device, bath oil, fresh flowers—anything! What sensations can you notice? Does it change?
Sensuous shower. Make a date to get the water temperature perfect and see what ways of rinsing off and soaping up feel the best for you? Baths work, too!
Journaling or list-making. Are feelings or questions arising from session work that you want to explore a little deeper? Whether it’s a long journal entry or a short bullet-pointed list, writing down some thoughts can be illuminating—and help us plan your next session.
Things to read, watch, or listen to. Theory or fiction, podcast or music: media of all kinds can help us dive further into ideas and approaches to learning, as well as daydreams, fantasies, and “possibility models”—and notice what they bring up inside us!
Photos by @breakfast_on_jupiter, me, and @photographybyharry,